No Sex Please, We're... Disabled! *

(* This is a pun on an oft quoted play title, "No Sex Please, We're British".)


For Blogging Against Disablism Day 2012, I blogged on the subject of disabled sex, or more accurately the lack of it, under the title "Sexual Eunuchs?" After writing the article I girded my loins (metaphorically!) and decided to try out some dating or introduction agencies. My misadventures are chronicled in a post entitled "Disabled and Gay Internet Dating &/or Amity" - and believe me absolutely nothing of any kind of excitement occurred not even the merest frisson of stimulation!

That is, almost nothing...

[Image description: 1915 poster of four sailors in a crow's-nest;

the legend reads "THE NAVY WANTS MEN"]

Well, hello sailor!

In February this year I was suddenly contacted one evening on facebook by a chap who I had connected with on one of the sites. I say "connected" in the loosest possible sense of the word. He had decided he liked me, flagged up the fact, but never actually did anything other than send a single smile. So to suddenly receive a communication out of the blue was somewhat discombobulating.

Here's the conversation (obviously some details have been amended to hide his identity):

[22.52]

Adam

Hey, Colin, it's Adam1987 from Disability Amity. How are you? Xx

Me

I'm not bad, Adam. Nice to sort of meet at last.

Adam

Yeah, nice to meet you too, Colin. May I ask why you use a wheelchair and where are you from?

[I nodded off for a cat-nap.]

Me

Sorry, Adam, phased out a bit there; can fall asleep at the drop of a hat!

Adam

It's ok.

Me

I am bed-bound over 60% of the time; but about 90% at this time of the year. I am actually banned from exercise including swimming by my hospital consultant and must not walk more than 100 metres per day. So whilst I can potter about the house/garden on good days, I usually need the wheelchair to go further afield.

Me

You do not state on Disability Amity what your disability is. Whatever, I am quite excited that someone with a disability is employed by the forces.

Adam

I'm not disabled myself; I do like disabled men though.

Me

Well, that's not a problem. What is it you like about disabled men? That is if it is not too personal a question. %)

Adam

I just like their outlook on life. No matter how bad, they carry on through it.

Me

I think that is generally true. We do tend to be resilient and resourceful. Mind by necessity to be honest. %DDD

Adam

What is your disability?

Me

I have multiple conditions each with their own co-morbidities. The main ones are at least three types of arthritis; ME/CFS; FMS; Raynaud's Syndrome....

Adam

Ok. Never heard of any of them. Sorry.

Where you from?

Me

Oh sorry, didn't answer all your queries. I am not really from anywhere as I have moved around thirty times. However, I currently reside in the 'burbs of SW Manchester.

Adam

Cool! I'm home visiting family tonight. I could come visit you tomorrow if you like.

Me

Sorry, Adam, that would have been lovely; but I have to pre-arrange for carers to sort me out and also to let you in!

Adam

That's ok. I could come and let myself in and I could help you out with whatever you need. I don't mind helping you out.

Me

A lovely notion to be sure. But how would you get a key? The carer would have to be here to unlock the door. Gets complicated - when one becomes disabled it is nigh impossible to do much spontaneously; everything has to be carefully planned.

Adam

Awwwww ok. You got anyone going tomorrow?

Me

The carers are all scheduled. Next one is 18.30 tomorrow evening to get me up, cook a hot meal and prepare for my evening visitor for my weekly movie night.

Adam

Awwwwwwww! Who's your evening visitor?

It could be me, if you like.

Me

My very beautiful next-door-but-one-neighbour - Amélie. You can find her under my friends.

Adam

Awwwwwwww ok! Would she let me in after your movie night?

I don't want to do anything rude, just have a drink and a chat, if you like.

Me

She would if I asked her. Whilst very tempting, I would not be able to. I can only remain awake for a maximum three to four hours and then I crash; it can be sooner. Amélie knows me well and doesn't outstay if she sees I need to lie down.

Adam, another time would be most welcome, as long as I get a bit of notice to ensure I rest before your arrival.

I cannot be rude to a very good friend who does a lot to support me, as our movie nights are her break each week from her beau.

Adam

Ok, that's good with me. How would Wednesday afternoon be for an hour?

Me

Afternoons are not good for me. This Thursday morning I shall be up early for me at about nine, depending on carer arrival. I am usually downstairs from ten till two. Would that be a good time to pop by?

Adam

That's no good. I'm back to work tomorrow night. :(

Me

Oh, I'm so sorry, chuck! I cannot change my schedule as they are organised a week ahead to fit around me & my carers. May be next time you are up North...

Adam

Yeah: hope we can sort something.

Me

Carers organise plans on Fridays for the following Mondays onwards. So let me know the Friday before you intend to visit!!! Golly, that sounds complicated. %D

Adam

That's ok: I know what it's like trying to organise work as I do it too, in the navy.

Me

Are you openly gay/bi to your colleagues or do you have to hide that part of you?

Adam

No I don't have to hide it; they are ok with it.

Me

That's good news. How things change!

Alas, not much has changed for me! Adam's was my one potential offer of sex in the last twelve months. As the conversation, I hope, elucidates, even sex has to be scheduled and organised for some of us who are disabled. 

Imagine, if I could have just got in touch with the carers agency and asked for 'shag-support', by which I mean someone to come and let in my potential playmate. But then I would also need assistance in getting washed up afterwards as well as the bedding changed and laundered. Adam sounded as if he would not have minded helping me out. But what if I had had to rely on an escort. I imagine it would be hand over the cash, bang-bang and thank-you-good-bye man with no hanging around to help out.

I should love to know if there is a single social services department in the country (UK) that offers any kind of assistance to disabled folk who want to play in bed. When I had my care review as to what my needs are and how they could assist me, not one form or person even referenced sex. My G.P.'s (family doctors) have never brought up the thorny topic of sex. Nor for that matter have any of my hospital consultants (clinicians). The specialist support nurses did not mention the subject either. In some sense it is as if I have been infantalised; like a child, I shall not be engaging in inappropriate behaviours for my own good.

It might be argued, I suppose, that it is a matter of privacy. But let's face it, if one is seriously disabled one loses much of one's perceived privacy. Is the subject of sex just too private?

So twelve months on, and I still feel I am a sexual eunuch.



This article is part of "Blogging Against Disablism Day" aka BADD2013.

[Image description: BADD2013 logo depicting 20 folk in various colours;

one of which is in a wheelchair & another holds a walking-stick (cane);

the text reads, "Blogging Against Disablism"]

25,000th Viewing

At 18.54 my blog logged its 25,000th viewing.

Thanks one and all for reading

and your support.

What a year;

WoW!

%D

NHS, We Shall Lament Thy Passing

[Image description: a black & white photograph of Aneurin 'Nye' Bevan;

underneath is one of his quotations]

The quotation reads:

"The collective principle asserts that…

no society can legitimately call itself civilised

if a sick person is denied medical aid

because of lack of means."

(In Place of Fear, 1952, p.100)

Since the current coalition "ConDem" (a pun on the word 'condemn') government was formed between the Conservative and Liberal Democratic parties, some "£7bn of our NHS has ended up in the mitts of private health" per Dr. Éoin Clarke who writes The Green Benches blog (q.v.). This figure is now expected to leap to a staggering forty billion pounds. That is £40b on an annual basis being syphoned off from the National Health Service to private companies. Approximately a third of UK parliamentarians from both houses hold shares and/or positions and/or interests in many of these health-care businesses (see for example this investigation). Many folk have been shocked to determine that MP's and Lords with financial stakes in issues are indeed permitted to lobby, join in the debates by speaking and vote for their own pecuniary advantage rather than that of their constituents or the benefit of all Britons. In the vernacular we call it corruption; but the reader can no doubt imagine that is not the label used by the spinners of the powerful élite.

Folk are already having to pay for minor operations and treatments and have been doing so for the past year or so under the ConDems including for such things as hip ops and baby scans.

Labour's health team have produced a report that measures the number of patients treated for routine operations last year 2011/12 in comparison with the same operations for the last year of a Labour government. The report found that the Tories have restricted more than 100 treatments in the last 2 years. Of those 100+ restrictions, 22 treatments have been completely halted on the NHS in some parts of England. Strictly speaking, we no longer have a Free at the Point of Use National Health Service.

(22 Treatments are no longer Free on the NHS in parts of England.)

This week the House of Lords (HoL) with the assistance of quisling Shirley Williams and other FibDems (In the UK 'fib' is another word for 'lie' or 'untruth') effectively privatised our NHS - and most media ignored the event on the night and afterwards. David Owen openly wept tears in the HoL as he ended his speech:

I warn this House: do not think that this is a minor step. If this goes through, the NHS as we have seen it, believed in it and persuaded the electorate that we support it, will be massively changed. It will take five, 10, 15 or maybe 20 years, but unless we pull back from his whole attitude there will be no National Health Service that any of us can recognise, and tonight I feel one feeling only: overwhelming sadness.

(Hansard, columns 1490 - 1492) 

Well done to all those who tried to do something. To those of you who didn't, don't be coming to me to raise money for your sick child's operation, your ambulance bill or your parents' life-preserving medications. You only have yourself to blame!

British civilisation has in effect taken a massive step backwards.

To any who would like to finally make a stand for our public, free-at-the-point-of-delivery NHS, you may wish to follow The Green Benches, MelloJonny's blog abetternhs, or get involved with the National Health Action Party.

To fight political corruption, you could sign this petition:

http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/44971

To help those struggling against the austerity cuts imposed on the weak & vulnerable, one could sign and share the WOWpetition:

http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/43154

There is no need for apathy: together we CAN make a positive difference; let's put the Great back in Britain!

Crippled, Queer, Anglo-European Ranter's First Birthday

[Image description: a cake with the inscription "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]

Well, I can hardly believe a year has gone by.

The number of views in my first blog's first year reached 24,710. This averages at over two thousand per month or about 475 per week. My best month was February when I reached the heady heights of 3,245 viewings.

I have recorded visits from all continents with the exception of Antarctica. So, if there is anyone in one of the research stations there, I should dearly love for you to pay a visit. And I most certainly would blog on it too! My most recent growth areas have been in South America and China over the past few weeks. My hope is to establish a separate Spanish language blog linked to this one... eventually!

All major countries/economies are represented in the statistics. Here are the cumulative stats for the top ten only:

Entry	Pageviews
United Kingdom	14074
United States	4356
Germany	706
France	611
Russia	586
Sweden	229
Spain	169
Canada	164
Australia	124
Belgium	117

Truly I feel humbled.

This will be blog-post sixty-two (62). Blog article sixty-three (63) is ready to publish on 1st May as part of Blogging Against Disablism Day 2013. Here's a foretaste of what is to come: the article is actually entitled "No Sex Please, We're... Disabled!" So if that piques your curiosity, please feel free to return here next Wednesday.

The second in my series on Penis Problems is almost complete too. This time I am taking a closer look at urethras. Don't know what one is? Well, another incentive to come back for a closer inspection! Just believe me when I say it was a definite eye-opener to me, and I have had to look at photos of one-eyed monsters I should have rather preferred to completely avoid. What I do to ensure my research is as accurate as possible!

A special thank-you to my three doughty followers whom I appreciate sticking with me.

I hope my writing has improved a little over the past year. Certainly I have made mistakes. However, rather than emend, I have simply allowed such to remain in situ but struck through. This approach seems more honest to me, especially in respect to anyone who returns to an article.

Not sure how the coming year will pan out, for much of my time and energies are taken up with disability campaigning for the WOWpetition (q.v.); but I do sincerely hope I shall have some opportunities to keep sharing my rants, complaints and whinges with you.

My heartfelt thanks for reading and my very best wishes for you all.

Colin-Roy aka criquaer

%D